stupid Facebook status updates

1) “OMG, I can’t believe my stupid teacher is reading my Facebook feed!”
2) “Honey, I think I might be pregnant. Is it yours?!”
3) “Having sex. BRB in a minute.”
4) “Honey, could you please get the remote for me? I’m in the bedroom.”
5) “OMG, DID I JUST POST THAT? THOUGHT IT WAS SEARCH BOX! HELP!”
6) “My darling Jennifer, will you marry me?”
7) “How do I post a status update?”
8) “Unsubscribe!”
9) “I am Mobutu Rumppole, a Nigerian Prince…”
10) “Just got spider bite. Fingers swelling pretty bad, hardto type, any ideas on what I sh”

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

Children need encouragement. So if a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way, he develops a good, lucky feeling.

I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king, because I like people to do what I say.

I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.

that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more fucked up that you think.

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait. Not me, you.

A word to the wise isn't necessary. It's the stupid ones who need the advice

Next time I will convince myself that one more will hurt me, not ahhhhh I already drunk, how much worse can I get..

Jesus loves you, the rest of us think you're an idiot.

That that either you control your attitude or you will be offered medication.

A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.

It's too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.

When asked to volunteer, remember, "everyone at the Alamo was a volunteer"...

I'm all over that like a fat kid on a smartie.

I think the cost of eggs aint worth the wear and tear on a hen's ass!

Show me your footprint and I will tell you the shape of your foot

I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Ok i'll start...................There is no I in team, but there is an I in pie, and there is an I in meatPie, and the reverse of meat is team

I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.

Don't worry. l forgot your name, too!

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.

Let me show you how the guards used to do it.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

The purpose of those who make mistakes, is to serve as a warning to others

What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.

I Can Only Be Nice To One Person a Day. Today Is Not Your Day.

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.

Some people suffer from insanity, others just enjoy it.

I don't pretend to be captain weird. I just do what I do

"I have a firm grip on reality. Now I can strangle it."

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. (Henny Youngman).

Does the noise in my head bother you?

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.

Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.

Some say the glass is half empty, Some say the glass is half full, I say "are you gonna drink that."

A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound as they fly by.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Indecision may or may not be my problem.

A day without sunshine is like night.

A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself Taa Daa!.

If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the things while you chop.

For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them so don't waste your time assume they are all nuts.

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES. NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING BIG A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS