stupid Facebook status updates

1) “OMG, I can’t believe my stupid teacher is reading my Facebook feed!”
2) “Honey, I think I might be pregnant. Is it yours?!”
3) “Having sex. BRB in a minute.”
4) “Honey, could you please get the remote for me? I’m in the bedroom.”
6) “My darling Jennifer, will you marry me?”
7) “How do I post a status update?”
8) “Unsubscribe!”
9) “I am Mobutu Rumppole, a Nigerian Prince…”
10) “Just got spider bite. Fingers swelling pretty bad, hardto type, any ideas on what I sh”

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

Children need encouragement. So if a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way, he develops a good, lucky feeling.

I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king, because I like people to do what I say.

I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.

that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more fucked up that you think.

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait. Not me, you.

A word to the wise isn't necessary. It's the stupid ones who need the advice

Next time I will convince myself that one more will hurt me, not ahhhhh I already drunk, how much worse can I get..

Jesus loves you, the rest of us think you're an idiot.

That that either you control your attitude or you will be offered medication.

A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.

It's too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.

When asked to volunteer, remember, "everyone at the Alamo was a volunteer"...

I'm all over that like a fat kid on a smartie.

I think the cost of eggs aint worth the wear and tear on a hen's ass!

Show me your footprint and I will tell you the shape of your foot

I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Ok i'll start...................There is no I in team, but there is an I in pie, and there is an I in meatPie, and the reverse of meat is team

I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.

Don't worry. l forgot your name, too!

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.

Let me show you how the guards used to do it.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

The purpose of those who make mistakes, is to serve as a warning to others

What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.

I Can Only Be Nice To One Person a Day. Today Is Not Your Day.

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.

Some people suffer from insanity, others just enjoy it.

I don't pretend to be captain weird. I just do what I do

"I have a firm grip on reality. Now I can strangle it."

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. (Henny Youngman).

Does the noise in my head bother you?

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.

Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.

Some say the glass is half empty, Some say the glass is half full, I say "are you gonna drink that."

A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound as they fly by.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Indecision may or may not be my problem.

A day without sunshine is like night.


If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself Taa Daa!.

If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the things while you chop.

For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them so don't waste your time assume they are all nuts.



Funny Facebook Status Updates

Dave feels like getting some work done...and so he is sitting down until the feeling passes.

Katie used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she's good at everything.

Dave is color blind and trying to solve a rubiks cube... This could take a while...

Katie dreams of a better world...where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned :0)

Dave says my computer just beat me at chess...but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Katie is cle'a] he'r ke]yb29oa;rd

Dave is wondering why his daughter's diaper holds no where near the 22-37 pounds it promises.

Katie is proud of herself. She finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.

Dave doesn't suffer from insanity... he enjoys every minute of it.

Katie ║▌║█║▌║▌││║▌║█║▌│║▌║█║▌║▌││║▌║ *ZAP* *BEEP* Price: $7.95

Dave is wondering where noah kept woodpeckers on his ark

Katie thinks that if your relationship status says, "It's complicated" that you should stop kidding yourself and change it to "Single"

Dave before you use the bathroom in someones house make sure you check they have toilet paper!!

Dave Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper

Katie "Good morning...I see the assassins have failed."

Dave is cleaning out his medicine cabinet of expired prescriptions with a glass of water and several mystery pills at a time.

Katie Be nice to nerds, Chances are you will be working for them.

Dave is normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman.

Katie is experiencing life at a rate of several wtf's a minute

Dave just received a coupon in the mail: Buy one sock, get one FREE! While socks last.

Katie would rather check her facebook than face her checkbook.

Dave believes that if you tell your boss what you really think of him, the truth will set you free.

Katie ¡ǝɯıʇ ǝɯɐs ǝɥʇ ʇɐ ʞooqǝɔɐɟ ǝsn puɐ puɐʇspuɐɥ ɐ op ʎןןɐuıɟ uɐɔ

Dave Got out of jury duty by prefacing every answer with "according to the prophecy"

Katie is Loading ████████████ 99%

Dave People reckon I'm too patronising (that means I treat them as if they're stupid).

Katie Have you ever had a fly or small bug land on your computer screen and your first reaction is to try and scare it with the cursor?

Dave I have an oven with a 'stop time' button. It's probably meant to be 'stop timer' but I don't touch it, just in case.

Katie It recently became apparent to me that the letters 'T' and 'G' are far too close together on a keyboard. This is why I'll never be ending an e-mail with the phrase "Regards" ever again.

Dave How To Be A Hero tip: When destroying the enemy be sure to kill all the criminals in reverse order of importance before confronting the kingpin himself.

Katie went to the book store earlier to buy a 'Where's Wally' book. When I got there, I couldn't find the book anywhere. Well played Wally, well played.

Dave Don't waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", think of another song you like and hum that instead.

Katie What do we want? PROCRASTINATION! When do we want it?... Next week.

Dave My wife said I'm too immature and if I don't grow up it's going to erect a barrier between us. Ha ha ha, erect.

Katie Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren't happy.

Dave Hi, my name is Damimeve. The 'mime' is silent.

Katie got her test results back this morning and is shocked to find that she's been diagnosed with OCD. She's rung the doctors nine times to check if they're correct.

Dave reckons anti-wrinkle cream doesn't work. If it did, women wouldn't have any fingerprints.

Katie will one day get even... with all the people that have helped him.

Dave Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.

Katie People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glasses.

Dave Statistically, 132% of all people exaggerate.

Katie Statistically 5/4 of people have trouble with fractions.

Dave I hear there is scientific proof that birthdays are good for you... the more you have the longer you live.

Katie I just read a list of 'the 100 things to do before you die'. I'm pretty surprised 'yell for help' wasn't one of them...

Dave I've always wondered if film directors wake up screaming "CUT! CUT! CUUUUUT!" when they have nightmares.

Katie TEIAM - problem solved

Dave never questions authority, he annoys authority. More effect, less effort.

Katie never judges a book by its cover. She uses the paragraph on the back, it tells you what the story is about.

Dave Top Tip Of The Week: When going through airport customs and you are asked "do you have any firearms with you?" do not reply "what do you need?"



Funny Facebook Status

ben laughs at people who put vague facebook statuses that are written to get comments. something like: “Yeah, alright!” – it’s like they are writing “please ask me why I am happy”

Ben Pines took the “Are you spending too much time in Facebook” quiz and the result is “No – You should spend much more time”. Ben shot the computer.

Ben gave the “Which type of woman are you?” quiz and the result is: Ma’ Kind Baby!

Ben is very confused about yesterday. I do love shrimp! getting frustrated with waiting for the answer. (this is a example of an obscure secret facebook status, which is written for a girl that doesn’t answer your calls, and causes all people other than her to go – “huh??” after reading it)

I warn you - some of those statuses are hilarious but dangerous to use freely!

Ben went from being “single” to “super single sad and lonely”.

Ben wonders what will happen when polish mothers start reading facebook statuses : “What do you mean you feel lonely? Your father and I are very worried…”

Ben is benning the benny ben with the help of his close ben.

Ben is attending “Ben is lonely and needs a friend. This is not a joke event I’m actually crying right now!” Confirmed Guests (0), Maybe Attending (0), Awaiting Reply (8), Not Attending (659)

Carmen Electra just became a fan of Ben Pines.

Ben Commented on Shani Ofek’s pussy : “nice”

Ben is having a party in his pants.
Ben has found love in facebook. She is from bangladesh and “wan day will reash amehica”.
Ben has just made love with a sheep and hope it doesn’t reach facebook.

Ben owns youtube, facebook, gmail, messenger and microsoft office. Now will you go out with me?

Ben urges you to twitter right!

Really funny one (said in a french accent): Ben wants to know if you recognize that youtube low for men. (sounds like “you too blow for men”).

Ben’s mom asked to clean his email account. he answered: “Gee, ma, I’ll do it later!” it sounded like “G-ma-il do it later!”

Ben has a messege to messenger – stop appearing automatically when I start my computer!

Ben logged in and saw you logged in. Then I logged off and logged in 2 hours again – you were still logged in. Get A Life! … OK yeah I was logged in all this time too. (feel shame)

Ben has just commented on you stats 3 minutes ago

If anyone uses these statuses please comment and give me your facebook name so I can find you and see the reactions of your friends!


Funny Facebook Status Updates - Status Shuffle


  • too cool for school.
  • constantly evolving.
  • intelligently designing.
  • the dude, playing the dude, disguised as another dude.
  • a day late and a dollar short.
  • eating a PB&J sammich.
  • the kid next door’s imaginary friend.
  • trying to think of clever things to say after inhaling from a helium balloon.
  • flossing with angel hair pasta.
  • creatively disabled currently.
  • preparing for a meeting with Chuck Norris. What should I WEAR??!?!
  • watching some dude and some chick fight to tell someone else what not to wear.
  • definitely not watching what not to wear.
  • definitely not watching oprah.
  • selling my roomates $hit on eBay.
  • forcing my dog to learn how to google.
  • teaching the cat how to be a ninja.
  • about to mail my check for $1500 to nigeria for the $15million lottery i just won! Cya later SUCKAS!!
  • watching every matrix followed by every star wars followed by every LOTR. Which incidentally adds up to exactly 24hours.
  • snail mailing a snail. Just to say I did it.
  • sexual healing.
  • eating pizza but not the italian kind.. the taco bell kind.
  • one day older than I was yesterday.
  • crying for no particular reason other than the fact that my cat spontaneously combusted!
  • happy that you finally broke up with that slut. Now I can tell you VIA facebook update that I boinked her.
  • kissing a girl and may or may not be liking it.
  • mediocre at best.


  • zero tolerance for lactose intolerance.
  • > $20 in my bank acct. Drinks on you homie.
  • 20/20 hearing!
  • a giant hangover octopus stuck to my head.
  • run out of time on my parking meter.
  • google’d and google’d until my little paws hurt.
  • ninety nine problems however, a biotch is not currently one. (this can coincide with a recent “in a relationship)
  • just added a friend I don’t even know.
  • noticed your mother has been calling me a lot, wondering whats that about?
  • just bought a cadillac, throwing some D’s on that bitch.
  • actually won the nigerian lottery!
  • puked more than twice today.
  • sold the dudes car who keep parking in my spot on eBay. SUCKA!!!
  • made my car into a hybrid by siphoning gas out of your tank.
  • noticed that your looking a little fat lately, you should really do something about that.
  • seen pictures of you naked on the internet.


  • asleep until you just called me… ass!
  • watching football when it just hit me, football is extremely gay.
  • dancing with the stars.
  • drunk dialing but luckily my mom stopped me. Thanks MADD (motha’s against drunk dialing)
  • googling pop tarts. God I LOVE POP TARTS!
  • snorting salt… Don’t, it stings.
  • watching 2girls1cup and now i am puking.
  • scouring youtube for the naked videos that somehow make it through.
  • listening to the latest britney spears record…….. i mean… definately not listening to britney spears.

Status Shuffle

Status Shuffle on Facebook