Funny Facebook Status Updates - Status Shuffle

is…

• too cool for school.
• constantly evolving.
• intelligently designing.
• the dude, playing the dude, disguised as another dude.
• a day late and a dollar short.
• eating a PB&J sammich.
• the kid next door’s imaginary friend.
• trying to think of clever things to say after inhaling from a helium balloon.
• flossing with angel hair pasta.
• creatively disabled currently.
• preparing for a meeting with Chuck Norris. What should I WEAR??!?!
• watching some dude and some chick fight to tell someone else what not to wear.
• definitely not watching what not to wear.
• definitely not watching oprah.
• selling my roomates $hit on eBay.
• forcing my dog to learn how to google.
• teaching the cat how to be a ninja.
• about to mail my check for $1500 to nigeria for the $15million lottery i just won! Cya later SUCKAS!!
• watching every matrix followed by every star wars followed by every LOTR. Which incidentally adds up to exactly 24hours.
• snail mailing a snail. Just to say I did it.
• sexual healing.
• eating pizza but not the italian kind.. the taco bell kind.
• one day older than I was yesterday.
• crying for no particular reason other than the fact that my cat spontaneously combusted!
• happy that you finally broke up with that slut. Now I can tell you VIA facebook update that I boinked her.
• kissing a girl and may or may not be liking it.
• mediocre at best.

Has…

• zero tolerance for lactose intolerance.
• > $20 in my bank acct. Drinks on you homie.
• 20/20 hearing!
• a giant hangover octopus stuck to my head.
• run out of time on my parking meter.
• google’d and google’d until my little paws hurt.
• ninety nine problems however, a biotch is not currently one. (this can coincide with a recent “in a relationship)
• just added a friend I don’t even know.
• noticed your mother has been calling me a lot, wondering whats that about?
• just bought a cadillac, throwing some D’s on that bitch.
• actually won the nigerian lottery!
• puked more than twice today.
• sold the dudes car who keep parking in my spot on eBay. SUCKA!!!
• made my car into a hybrid by siphoning gas out of your tank.
• noticed that your looking a little fat lately, you should really do something about that.
• seen pictures of you naked on the internet.

was…

• asleep until you just called me… ass!
• watching football when it just hit me, football is extremely gay.
• dancing with the stars.
• drunk dialing but luckily my mom stopped me. Thanks MADD (motha’s against drunk dialing)
• googling pop tarts. God I LOVE POP TARTS!
• snorting salt… Don’t, it stings.
• watching 2girls1cup and now i am puking.
• scouring youtube for the naked videos that somehow make it through.
• listening to the latest britney spears record…….. i mean… definately not listening to britney spears.